National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Did you know?  Apparently every October 15th women and families across the country take time to remember the tiny lives with which they were so briefly graced.  Up until last year I, like most people, had no idea a day like this even existed.  Why would I know or need to know?  We were happy and blessed with Maxwell and while my mom was lost to cancer, I never in my wildest dreams though I might lose a baby too.  But we did... sweet girl, and Max's baby sister.  I always thought that if a pregnancy lasted through the first trimester, we in the clear.  How very naive I once was, and wish with my heart I could be again.

So today I am taking the time to write this post and acknowledge not only my daughter, but the lives of nieces and nephews, cousins and friends that we will not know on this earth.  I foolishly thought today that I might be able to look at the pictures my dear friend Rachel took of our baby girl, but just taking the CD off the shelf and seeing the label "Nona's Girl" brought me to tears.  It has been a year and a month since I held her, and my heart still breaks to remember those precious few minutes.  Someday I will be strong enough to put the CD in the computer and look at her face once more.  Someday I will hold the blanket my dear friends lovingly wrapped her in so Curtis and I would not have to look at her disfigured abdomen.  Someday we will return to Florida and release her ashes on the same beach where my mom's ashes were lovingly spread.  Someday, but just not today.

I will acknowledge that much as been learned and I have grown in compassion since losing my daughter.  I have met some wonderful families who have also lost their babies, and while I hate the circumstances that brought us together, I cherish the time spent lifting each other up.  Knowing each of them, I know that Nona's girl is in good company.  Plus she has her Nona to love her... Other than God's love, it doesn't get any better than that!  And while my daughter's body was broken, I know her spirit is perfect and I look forward to the day that I will reunite with and know her.

On a happy note, her baby brother is doing just fine and is due to make his appearance in early December.  I have worked hard to not take this new life, given to me by God, for granted in any way.  Yes, I am big and uncomfortable, but that means he is growing strong.  Yes, I have difficulty sleeping at night because he decides to do fetal aerobics at 4:00 in the morning, but that means his body is able.  And yes I have not been able to do as much with Max as I normally do, but soon he will have a baby brother and best friend for the rest of his life.

I am sorry for the departure from the normal content of my blog, but it is her blog too.  It was designed to chronicle the lives of our children, so she has a place here too.  Just know that if you are reading this and you have lost a baby, the tears I have cried and will cry today are shared with you.